I'm letting him study a book called Painless Grammar. (A really good book by the way.)
Today, he comes into my office and shows me this.
We laughed so hard and then I got serious because I've made those exact mistakes in my writing.
Now, I've noticed another problem in my writing. I've recently taken up the challenge of writing in first person. One problem I've noticed is the use of the word "I". For example, of the 23560 words I've written so far, 1793 are "I", that is almost eight percent of the total. Way too much.
How can a writer correct this problem?
I went to an article that gives two great points.
1) Cut out the assumed I's - for instance, if you've wrote "I thought" or "I saw", that's assumed. Who else would have thought or saw it unless it's in dialog?
Here's an example:
Take #1: I walked into the boardroom on that first day at BigBucks Company, and right away I could see that every eye was upon me. I was the new kid in town; I knew I had to prove myself. I also knew that Marlene was angry at being passed over. I'll have to win her over quickly, I thought, or she'll be trying to undermine me... I had heard about her reputation.
Take #2: On my first day at BigBucks company, I was aware that every eye was upon me the moment I walked into the boardroom – not surprising: as the new kid in town, I had to prove myself. Marlene was there, too, and the grapevine reported that she was angry at being passed over. Her reputation had preceded her: it was important to win her over quickly or she'd be trying to undermine me.
What a difference!
2) Cut the I's when refering to setting.
Here's an example:
Take #1: I slogged up the hill to the lookout, feeling happy that I was back in the country. It was clear that I was out of condition: I started puffing well before the top. Leaning against the railing at the top of the hill, I could see for miles. The town was spread out below me, and just past the row of oak trees at the far end of the main street, I could see the football field where I'd played as a teenager. I noticed that the high school had doubled the number of buildings: the town had grown in the twenty years I'd been away.
Take #2: The road that wound up the hill to the lookout seemed steeper and rougher than it had twenty years before, but it was good to be back in the country. At the top, I leaned on the railing of the observation platform to catch my breath; talk about out of condition! The town was spread out below me: there was the football field where I'd played as a teenager, just past the row of oak trees at the far end of the main street. The number of buildings on the high school grounds had doubled, a sign of the town's growth.
Very, very helpful. :) Seriously, it's easy to slip into bad habits. Only when I'm editing do I realise how many extra words and repetitive phrases I have in my story. Thanks for sharing that example of how to avoid all those I's when writing first person. That's something I haven't tried yet.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, Clarissa. Writing in first person trips up a lot of people. I've also noticed (when critiquing) that those who write in third person limited POV often use "he noticed," "she thought," or "he wondered" unnecessarily as sentence openers.
ReplyDeleteClarissa - Thanks for this!! Very, very much. Patricia's got a good point that it's not just first person POV that trips a person up in the way you showed us. I catch myself doing the same thing when I write in third person (which I do in my books). When I go back and edit, I'm sometimes amazed at the number of un-necessary pronouns there are. There are lots of ways to avoid it; using less to say more is a useful strategy.
ReplyDeleteGreat tips! It really makes a difference! I usually refrain from writing in the first person - I don't like my MC to be in every scene...
ReplyDeleteBeen going through the same thing with my MS and it's finally (slowly!) coming to me. I can't wait to finish this re-write as I know this is it! cept for minor edits of course ;p
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Clarissa.
ReplyDeleteAnother piece of advice I'd gotten from some article long ago is: Only write in the first-person if it is the only way you feel the story can be told. I know this seems like a very simple statement, but It's done wonders for me. I've actually gone back and changed some of my stories to third-person just to see if they could be told that way. some of them needed a change, others did not.
Again, great post, great advice.
Outstanding! I use Suite 101 as a reference also.
ReplyDeleteGrammar has gotten worse with texting and shortcuts.People seem to write as they speak and that is sometimes very scary!
Maribeth
Giggles and Guns
Great post! I especially love the example from Painless Grammar (although even as a writer I'm not sure there is such a thing as 'painless' grammar). ; ) Cat
ReplyDeleteI was working on this very thing today in my first person WIP, but I needed this reminder. Your examples are so good! Thanks for taking the time to post this.
ReplyDeleteOMG! This came at the perfect time. I've been working on a non-fiction piece and was just fretting over this exact thing yesterday. Spent hours trying to re-work some sentences to get rid of all the I's and was beginning to feel a little hopeless. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (oops, repeating myself over and over again) :)
ReplyDeleteGreat tips! Thanks for sharing. :-)
ReplyDelete- Corra
the victorian heroine
These are some excellent tips. Thanks so much for sharing and providing the examples to show us how it works.
ReplyDeleteGreat examples. Writing in the first person is so difficult.
ReplyDeleteJoy - glad you liked it. I know these are the points I found helpful.
ReplyDeletePatricia - yeah, I've noticed that too and sometimes in my own writing.
Margot -I like that: "Using less to say more." Great!
Alexandra - you really have to love your main character or think she's really important for the plot.
Nicole - yeah, me too. I can see so many problems with it, I can't wait to edit either.
J.L. - I know I prefer 3rd person. This is my first attempt at first. I think I wouldn't do it again if it wasn't for the story.
Mary -yes it is. I know a problem for me is that I live in a foreign country and, for most people around me, English isn't their first language. I pick up a lot of bad habits.
Cat - all I know is, my son loves the book. That's a real bonus: learn something and love it!
Ann - you're welcome. This will be my guide in edits, that's for sure.
Robin - ha ha ha... you're funny. Well, I'm glad it helped. Can't wait to see what becomes of your manuscript.
Corra -you're welcome, thanks for reading.
cassandrajade - I'm glad everyone liked it.
Alex - yeah. I thought it would be easy at first... how naive was I?
Thanks, everyone!
CD
oOOOooh! Great tips! And it really does make a HUGE difference. The repeating thing was funny:)
ReplyDeleteCQG, thanks. Glad you liked it.
ReplyDeleteCD
A very good point. I think I say I too much too ;) (Of course, in Norwegian the word I has three letters, so in any given Norwegian text the I's would fill up three times as much space. That ups the page count, it does!)
ReplyDeleteCruella, that's interesting about the I in Norwegian. THanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteCD
I agree with cutting the Is when describing setting, it becomes a bit childish
ReplyDeleteloving this. have a first person wip to revise. would like to get rid of all I's but the ones in my face...seriously helpful. Thanks...
ReplyDeleteGreat post and timely reminders....those pesky "I"s are hard to spot because our eyes gloss right over them. Thanks for this!
ReplyDeleteHi, Clarissa. I hope you don't mind if I put an alternative opinion into the mix. (Because I think I will. :-) )
ReplyDeleteThese are issues of style, and I think that sometimes you want to use one style, and other times you want to use the other. Especially when it comes to first-person narration.
In your first example (cutting out the assumed I's), "Take 1" is written in a more conversational style. If you want your story to read that way, I think it's okay to do so.
In the second example (when referring to setting), you got rid of the I's only by using weaker verbs ("seemed steeper and rougher" rather than "slogged up the hill"), or simply by eliminating weak or meaningless phrases ("It was clear that," "I could see," "I noticed that"). I don't think that removing I is an end in itself, even if you do end up getting rid of some by punching up your prose.
If I might take the liberty, I think this second example can be punched up even more. Simply by using stronger verbs:
I slogged up the hill to the lookout, over familiar rocks and hillocks, puffing with each step. Finally at the top, I leaned against the railing, inhaled the sweet country air. And I smiled. My eyes scanned the town as it spread out below me: past the row of oak trees at the far end of the main street, where Jimmy Rivers kissed me when I was 12; the football field where I'd played as a teenager; the high school, now expanded, twice as big as when I last saw it, twenty years ago.
Or something like that. I think that's 6 I's, if I counted right, which is 3 less than you started with, but still on the high side (if you're counting I's). But I would prefer this version to the one with only 2 I's. Of course, that's just me.
Good discussion, Clarissa. Thanks for posting. Keep writing!
-TimK
Eeleen - yes, it can be, can't it.
ReplyDeleteJan - glad you like it and good luck with your revising.
Sierra - that's a good point. Our eyes do skim over them but if we add to many, it can become annoying especially when reading the book aloud.
Tim - I'd love an alternative opinion! You're right, there is an issue of style.
You created some great paragraphs and by all means, this is just a guide, never use weak verbs when you can avoid it. I hope people read your comment.
CD
Great post and so timely. I'm nearing to the editing stage and often wondered if I should change to third aware of how many 'I' there are.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the examples; and thank Tim for your thoughts and example too.